Many of us are wandering the earth，

我們中的許多人遊蕩在這地球上

accomplished in many ways， capable of fulfillment at points，

在很多方面都有所成就，在某些一些方面也會有所作為

but with a fundamental wound that stops us

但是總有一個基本的創傷阻礙我們成為

from becoming who we might be：

那個我們本可能成為的人

we don’t quite know who we are。

我們不太清楚自己究竟是誰

It isn’t， of course， that we can’t remember the basics of our biographies。

這當然不是指我們記不住人生中的基本經歷

We’re unsure around two things in particular：

而是指我們對兩件事情總是不確定

we don’t have a stable sense of what we are worth，

首先，我們對自己的價值沒有一個穩定的認識

and we don’t have a secure hold on our own values or judgements。

其次，我們對自己的價值觀判斷沒有一個安全的把握

Without knowing who we are，

由於不瞭解自己是誰

we tend to have particular trouble coping with either denigration or adulation。

所以當面對詆譭或者奉承，我們往往很難應對

If others decide that we are worthless or bad，

如果別人認為我們毫無價值或者一無是處

there will be nothing inside us to prevent us from swallowing their verdicts in their entirety，

我們內心沒有任何東西可以阻止我們全盤接受他們的判決

however wrong-headed， extreme or unkind they may be。

不管他們是多麼愚蠢，極端或無情

We will be helpless before the court of public opinion。

我們將在輿論法場上束手無策

We’ll always be asking others what we deserve before seeking inside for an answer。

我們總是問別人我們值得什麼而不是向自己的內心尋求答案

Lacking an independent verdict，

我們缺乏獨立的判斷

we also stand to be unnaturally hungry for external praise：

我們還會不自然地渴望得到外界的讚揚

the clapping of an audience will matter more than would ever be wise。

觀眾的掌聲對我們來說比其他任何都要來的重要

We’ll be prey to rushing towards whatever idea or activity the crowd happen to love

我們會為那些受到大眾喜愛的想法或者活動而疲於奔命

。

We will laugh at jokes that aren’t funny，

我們會對無趣的笑話發笑

uncritically accept undeserving concepts

我們會為了變得受歡迎

that are in vogue and neglect our truer talents for easy popular wins。

而不加批判的接受一些流行的不值得的觀念，忽視我們更真實的才能

We’ll trail public opinion slavishly，

我媽們會盲目追蹤輿論

constantly checking the world’s whims

為了知道我們應該想要什麼，我們的感覺和價值

rather than consulting an inner barometer

我們不斷的去看界上的突發奇想

in order to know what we should want， feel and value。

而不去傾聽內心的聲音

We need to be kind on ourselves。

我們需要善待自己

No one is born with an independent ability to know who they are。

沒有人生來就有獨立能力，知道自己是誰

We learn to have an identity because， if we are blessed，

我們會有自己的身份，因為如果幸運的話

in our early years，

在我們幼年

someone else takes the trouble to study us

會有人不吝於以極大的公平

with immense fairness， attention and kindness

關注和善意來研究我們

and then plays us back to us in a way that makes sense

然後以一種有意義的方式將結果反饋給我們

and that we can later emulate。

讓我們以後可以效仿

They give us the beginning of a true portrait of our identity

他們讓我們開始真正瞭解自己的身份

which we take on and enrich over the years

多年來，我們一直在繼承和豐富自己的身份

and use as a defence against the distorting verdicts from hurried or ill-intentioned others。

並將其用作抵禦他人惡意和扭曲判決的辯護。

Knowing who one is

知道自己是誰

is really the legacy of having been known properly by someone else at the start。

是被別人正確認識的前提

This early identity-building tends to unfold with apparently innocuous life-saving small steps。 ‘

這種早期的身份建立往往以看似無關痛癢卻足以挽救人生的小步驟展開

It must really have hurt

“一定很疼吧”

a parent might say in response to an upset，

父母可能會這樣迴應一個難過的孩子，

thereby validating an infant’s own feelings。

從而驗證了孩子自身的感受

Or： ‘it’s OK not to feel happy on your birthday，’

或者：“生日那天不開心也沒關係，”

the parent might say another point，

父母可能會像這樣委婉的提出另一個觀點

delicately upholding an infant’s less typical response to certain events。

支援孩子對某些事件不那麼典型的反應。

Ideally， the child isn’t just known，

理想的情況是，孩子不僅知道

he or she is also interpreted as likeable。

也會理解自己的可愛的地方

A good parent offers generous interpretations；

一個好的父母會不厭其煩的給孩子解釋；

they are on the side of the child

他們站在孩子的角度上

and are always ready to put the best possible gloss on moments of ill-temper or of failure

隨時準備為孩子的壞脾氣或失敗的時刻做出最好的解釋

– which forms the basis upon which resilient self-esteem can then later emerge。

這些構成了孩子長大彈性自尊的基礎

That is the ideal， but it can of course go very wrong – and often does。

這是理想情況，但是很多父母都會做錯並且經常如此

A parent may offer mirroring that is out of synch with the reality of the child。

父母可能會提供與孩子現實不相符的映象。

‘Look who is such a happy little boy/girl，’

看看是誰這麼快樂呀

a parent might insist when the opposite is the case，

當孩子不開心時，父母可能還會堅持這麼說

badly scrambling the child’s ability to connect with their own emotions。

從而嚴重影響孩子建立與自己的情感相聯絡的能力

Or the parent might only lend the child a very punitive way of interpreting itself，

或者父母可能只是給孩子一種非常懲罰性的解釋方式

repeatedly suggesting that it is ill-intentioned and no good。

反覆暗示這是惡意的，不好的。

Or the parent may simply not show very much interest in the child，

或者他們根本不在意孩子的難過

focusing themselves elsewhere，

只關心自己的事

so that the child grows up with a sense that not only is it not worth cherishing，

這使得孩子在成長的過程中覺得自己不值得珍惜

but also– because it has not been adequately seen and mirrored

並且因為沒有得到充分地觀察和反映

– that it doesn’t quite exist。

他會認為自己沒有存在感

A feeling of unreality is the direct consequence of emotional neglect。

不真實感是情感上被忽視的直接後果。

Realising that we lack a stable identity is a sobering realisation。

意識到我們缺乏一個穩定的身份是一個清醒的認識。

But we can， with a fair wind， start to correct the problem at any point。

但是我們可以隨時開始糾正這個問題

We need to seek out the help of a wise and kindly other person，

我們需要尋求一個明智而善良的人的幫助

perhaps a good psychotherapist，

也許是一個好的心理治療師

who can study us closely，mirror us properly

一個能夠研究我們並且準確的反饋我們行為的人

and then validate what they see。

然後驗證他們所能看到的人

Through their eyes，

透過他們的眼睛

we can learn to study， perhaps for the first time，

我們也許會第一次試著學習

how we really feel and take seriously what we actually want。

我們真正的感受和認真對待我們真正想要的。

We can， by being witnessed generously， more often take our own sides

我們可以，透過更多地被慷慨的關注來支援我們自己

and feel increasingly solid inside，

並感到內心越來越堅定，

trusting ourselves more than the crowd，

更多的相信自己而不是大眾

feeling that we might be able to say no，

感覺自己可能會說不

not always swaying in the wind

而不再總是隨波逐流

and feeling that we are in possession of some of the ultimate truths about us。

並且感受到自己掌握了一些關於自己的終極真理

Having come to know ourselves like this，

我們這樣認識了自己

we will be a little less hungry for praise，

我們將不再那麼渴望表揚，

a little less worried by opposition

不再那麼擔心別人的反對

– and much more original in our thinking。

我們的思維將更具有獨創性

We will have learnt the vital art of both knowing

我們將會了解並與真正的自己

and befriending who we really are。

成為朋友的重要藝術